Chicken effed Bacon

Zack and Miri Make a Porno comes out on Oct 31st…obviously I can’t wait.

Here’s a clip….probably NSFW

So I have given some thought to this whole Hero or Douchebag posts thing and it has been A LOT of work…so now you just get a chart and some reasons for the data it represents…plus perhaps some new shit too.

I now present you with the Heroes Douchometer.

Some important points…I am no longer rating the future Heroes because they are just a distraction. If you didn’t watch next week’s previews, then you are probably unaware that I fucking rule ass for making the prediction after episode 3 of season 1 that Papa Petrelli is NOT DEAD.

1. Hiro is now just a fast fat whiney Japanese kid. He can’t stop Daphne, he can’t get the formula back, he can’t do a single damn pull-up, and Ando is sick of his emotional shit.
2. Maia, still a big douche. However, if this we’re a Boobometer she would be at the top.
3. Douchiner Bagesh (sic Mohinder Suresh…thanks Gammy) is still douchey, but he is a total badass now. How much longer til Maia doesn’t want him sticking those slimey fingers in her chonchon.
4. Peter stays pretty even this week…he is still a total fuckup, but now he is a badder version of his previous self.
5. Personally I am glad Nathan saved Ali Larter…pissed that her character survived though.
6. Here’s to hoping Adam kills Hiro
7. No way ever….EVER…that Matt “Fat Man” Parkman hooks up with a hotted up Daphne in the future…And with all those skills why does the Parkman family live in such a shithole? Cause Matt is a SuperDouche of course. I am however rooting for him…we fat guys need to stick together

So here is something interesting: Who is this a picture of?

Is that Future Mohinder in the loft talking to Peter? Nope…that is Adam Monroe pushing Kaito Nakamura off the Devreaux building….hmmmm…makes you think, huh?

Don’t have time to write my entire Heroes or Douchebags post at the moment but I wanted to get this one item posted.

Spoiler Alert

You know I fucking called it…Mr. Patrelli is still alive…I rule and the rest of you drool!

Oh, and by the way, DO NOT ball me out this week when I post that Hiro is now the biggest douche on the show. Also…I will not be doing a Hero or Douche analysis on ANY future versions of the characters anymore…that shit is just a distraction and none of the characters are going to end up being like that in the “real” future any how.

Stay tuned for more…

Ever heard the phrase “like comparing apples to oranges”? Of course you have. Well that is not what we are going to be doing. More accurately what we will be doing is comparing apples to volkswagons.

And so begins a series on the comparative analysis (done in classic Force Field style) of 2 totally unrelated things.

Please feel free to comment, giving your additional analysis of these items. Remember, these are opposing forces…so comparing pros and cons is appropriate here. I am merely here to get this ball rolling, so to speak.

Spoilers Present

Character	Hero or Douche?	+-	Notes
		+ 20%	Noah Bennet (HRG) Guns, a Hatian, and huge Sack What a muthereffing badass…let me just say this. I’m not gay or anything, but if I had to have sex with a man…like if my life depended on it…I’d fuck Bennet.
		- 10%	Mohinder Suresh PhD and Bollywood Good Looks Loses 10% hero points again this week…”why does he gain or lose any points this week? He wasn’t even in the episode!” you ask….well, he was in the previews for next week. Plus, it is safe to assume that he is going to continue to dig himself deeper and deeper into his warm water and vinegar anal douche, even when we are not looking.
		- 5%	Hiro Nakamura Can alter time and Ginzu a mean salad. Loses a little ground this week. Nemesis (Daphne) keeps showing his ass up…and then drops a little Japanese on him. Ando is starting to show that he “aint Hiro’s fool”. Hiro better step up.
		- 10%	Claire Bennet Can heal her own grievous wounds. STOP THE INCESENT WHINING!
		+10%	Peter Petrelli Anything you can do, he can do better. He’s out of the gang banger loud guy…and on the topic of the guy with Super Yelling Power…c’mon, I have a sister-in-law that has THAT power. Anyhow, Peter is back, look for him to start kicking some ass, specially when he finds out what Mama has been up to.
		even	Future Peter (FP) Anything you can do, he can do futurier Doesn’t lose anymore ground this week. Really only shows up to get Peter out of my sister-in-law (hmmm…that can be mis-construed)
		even	Matt Parkman Reads Peoples Thoughts…does he know I think he is a douchebag? On a spiritual journey through Africa and is so sunburned that he looks like a leper.
		-20%	Angela Patrelli Mother to half the show’s characters and a total cunt! Uses the girl with “reading history” power as Sylar Chum and then sets up the Laurel and Hardy of Heroes…she should get hero points for being the catalyst for the best storyline in a long while…but she is such a bitch that I just can’t give her a break. Putting Sylar on “work furlough” = Pure Genius!!!!
		+50%	Sylar (Gabriel Grey) Patrelli Anything you can do, he can do eviler. Holy Crap! Bestestest character on the show now…I half expected him to go all Will Smith with a “I make this shit look gooood!”. Bennet and Sylar fighting crime together…makes me feel all warm inside. No, I didn’t just pee myself.
		even	Tracy Strauss Turns stuff to ice I fucking called it! You know I did…So, how many Niki/Jessica/Tracy clones are there? Now there’s a wet dream for ya…3 Ali Larters in the same room…purrrrrr!

Oh Hellz yah! I’d schlep my ass out to Florida to help out. Unfortunately the closest thing I have to elderly, jewish, Floridian relatives are some in-laws in South Carolina whose mom had a jewish step-dad…

Oh well…If any of you have Florida sun-dried Jewish raisins in your family….watch this and then get the fuck off the stick!

Clay Aiken telling the world that he is gay is like George Bush telling the world that he was labotomized as a small child. This shit has been ASSUMED! There is no reason to spend the additional synaptic response to confirm these things. Perception is FUCKING REALITY!

My synopsis from Season Preview night.

Character	Hero or Douche?	+-	Notes
		even	Noah Bennet (HRG) Guns, a Hatian, and huge Sack Plays a mean game on Solo Handball (not a euphamism you perverts). Still a bigger badass than Chuck Norris, but we learn really nothing new about him…next week he will certainly kill someone and we will all rejoice.
		-20%	Mohinder Suresh PhD and Bollywood Good Looks Anyone remember BrundleFly Mohinder is now BrundleSnake…and I completely disagree with my friend Alex Borshch…Suresh is still a HUGE Douchebag…in fact I think he actually got douchier.
		even	Hiro Nakamura Can alter time and Ginzu a mean salad. He SOOOO wants to bone the fast girl in the Tank Girl hairdo.
		even	Claire Bennet Can heal her own grievous wounds. Finally finds her “yoda” in Mom. But the whining has got to stop or we will be rooting for her to get her head chopped off.
		+20%	Elle Bishop. Controls electricity. Does a fair Veronica Mars impression. Wants to do the right thing, but she’s a headcase. She will become a good guy now that daddy is dead and she got fired by super bitch.
		-10%	Peter Petrelli Anything you can do, he can do better. except get out of some other dude’s body, or prevent his future self from putting him in another dude’s body. Peter gets some douche points this week
		-10%	Future Peter (FP) Anything you can do, he can do better, except heal that rediculous scar.. hmmm…Seems uBer (Hero) but makes knucklehead decisions (douche). This week he is still a hero.
		even	Maya Herrera Kills people with her eyes and attrocious acting. Still couldn’t act her way into Juliette Lewis’ understudy…but boy did they hot her up.
		even	Angela Patrelli Mother to half the show’s characters and a total cunt! Is Mohinder a bigger douche?
		even	Sylar (Gabriel Grey) Patrelli Anything you can do, he can do eviler. What a mind job! Mama Patrelli has fucked up this kid’s psyche now. This is nearly as fucked up as Darth Vader telling Luke he’s his father. Still a douche cause he’s the bad guy…at least until next week.
		even	Tracy Strauss Looks like Sibil…might be Sibil. Seems pretty douchey from the start. Look, anyone that freezes the Greatest American Hero has got to be a douche (even if GAH had that terrible lower lip hair)
		even	Nathan Patrelli He can fly, and litigate if necessary. Also, supposed to be dead. Poor guy can’t catch a break. Gets killed and then brought back from the dead (again) by Linderman. Only now he seems more insane that Tom Cruise.

BTW - Spoiler Alert

First let me just say that I am a huge Lance Armstrong fan.

Ok with that out of the way:

LA’s plan is to “race the bike around the world to bring more light to the fight against cancer” … in other words, this is his opportunity to use his celebrity status at bike races on all of the continents (that aren’t covered in ice) to elevate cancer awareness. I like this tactic…he might as well do something with his celebrity status, and obviously his cancer fight is pretty important to him…However, I contend that his celebrity star power as a bike racer is no longer as bright as his celebrity star power as a guy that sleeps with other B-list celebrities.

So here is my suggestion; instead of coming out of retirement to race his bike all over the world, he should just sleep with a hot female celebrity in each country around the world. The Lance Armstrong Celebrity F*** Fest World Tour!

I am so gonna get sued.

These are not the bailed out financial institutions you are looking for.